The Kings of South Side
“All of us were willing to die, but make no mistake, not all of us were ready to…”
“I’m telling ya man, as soon as I get home, I’m spreadin’ her legs and eating that snatch til my fuckin’ nose bleeds!”
It was a conversation they’d all heard a thousand times before; Specialist Carr going on and on about all the one night stands he’d had and the countless women he planned on banging just as soon as they got back state-side. Of course, most of it was complete bullshit, but at least it helped pass the time during the longer convoys. Besides, what the hell else were they going to talk about? The scenery? It’s not like Iraq was known for being a tourist destination.
Luckily for them, Sergeant Ray was always pretty quick to knock Carr down a couple notches before his head got too big for his shoulders.
“I don’t give a damn what you do when we get back home, son. Just make sure you don’t catch the clap… again.”
“Itch Dick!” Baydune shouted from the back seat before reaching over and thumping Carr on the crotch.
“Man, Sarge! How ya gonna spit on my game like that?!” Carr shouted.
“Game? What game?”
“That pussy slayin’ game, big Sarge! Line em’ up and dick em’ down! Tap-tap-tap!”
Trying his best not to run over a group of kids, Private Andrews decided to chime in.
“Paying a hooker three-hundred bucks to lick your asshole isn’t what I’d call game, Carr. If anything, it’s only a few steps above jerking off with a used pocket pussy.”
“Damn!” Baydune howled. “Even the fuckin’ boot knows you ain’t shit, Carr!”
Hunching over in the turret, Carr reached down and smacked Andrews on the back of the head.
“That’s a lot of shit comin’ from a fuckin’ virgin! Ya boot-ass-bitch!”
“I’m I’m not a virgin!” Andrews protested, his ears turning bright red.
“Cherry bear lookin’ ass!”
“Cherry Blossom!” Baydune egged on.
“I’m not a fucking virgin!” Andrews yelled back.
“Alright, alright! That’s enough,” Sergeant Ray spoke up. “We have two more months left in this hell hole, and the last thing I’m going to do is sit here and listen to you three assholes bicker like a bunch of old women. And Carr, for the last time, quit fucking with Andrews while he’s trying to drive.”
“Aye, Sarge. Just breakin’ him in right.”
“Maybe so. But unless you want him to die a virgin, he needs to pay attention to the road. Lord knows he just got his permit yesterday.”
“Damn!” Baydune snickered, “Sarge ain’t got no mercy!”
“Stone cold!” Carr hooted back, scanning over the crowded streets.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, boys, calm it down. Actual’s trying to call in.”
‘Heathen One, this is Heathen Actual,’ the radio crackled.
“Send your traffic, Actual,” Ray replied.
‘Yeah… Do you have eyes on that three-story building about half a click to our north?’
“The one with the flag flying on top of it?”
‘A-frim. That’s the one – break…. TOC says the last patrol took small arms fire from there a few days ago, so we’re going to take alternative route Charlie and skirt around to the east. How copy?’
“That’s a good copy, Actual. Switching to alternate route Charlie.”
‘Tango, Heathen One. Net clear.’
“Hey, Carr, did you catch that?” Sergeant Ray yelled up. “Higher said another patrol took fire from that three-story building a few days back, so keep your head on a swivel.”
“The one by the mosque?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“Roger that, big Sarge. These fools gonna have to try harder than that to whack a big dick brotha like me!”
“South Side, baby!” Baydune added, throwing up gang signs to random people as they drove past.
“So, what about you, Sergeant?” Andrews asked. “Anything you plan on getting into when we get back home?”
“Ahh, shit!” Carr cackled. “Here we go!”
Ray just smiled and shook his head.
“I’m sure the wife has a nice long list of things she wants done.”
“Whipped ass!” Baydune chuckled.
“How long have you been married?” Andrews followed up.
“Too damn long!” Carr yelled, though another quick tap to the nuts seemed to shut him up.
“We’ve been married for five years now. Just had our anniversary a couple weeks ago.”
“And you have kids, right?”
“I do – two of them. Well, three if you count Carr.”
“Ahh, fuck, Sarge! I knew you was my daddy!”
“I da pappy!” Baydune laughed.
“Don’t worry, Carr,” Ray hollered. “There’s no way in hell you could be mine.”
“Cause I’m too damn good lookin’ to be yours?”
“No… Because your dick’s too fucking small.”
That drew quite the laugh from everyone. Everyone except for Carr, that is.
Slowing down, Andrews started scanning the countless back alleys that branched off from the main road.
“Uhh, where are we turning at again?”
“Right up there.” Ray pointed. “The second road; where that truck just pulled out.”
“Aye, Sarge.”
Reaching back, Ray tapped Carr on the leg.
“Hey, Carr! This is where they took contact last time. Keep your head down.”
“Hooah”
“Sergeant Ray, I got a question,” Baydune piped up.
“What’s up, Bay-Bay?”
“How come it never fails that we always end up getting stuck at the front of the convoy? Never in the back or the middle. They always be puttin’ us up front like this. Why is that?”
“Cause LT fuckin’ hates us, that’s why!” Carr yelled down.
“No,” Ray answered. “The Lieutenant doesn’t hate us, Carr. He just hates you.”
“Shit, you right, Sarge! Nigga can’t catch no love out here. Damn white man keepin’ my ass down and shit.”
Shaking his head, Ray couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“You want to know the real reason they stick us here, Baydune?”
“Lay it on me, big Sarge.”
“They put us up front, because I always ask for us to be up front.”
“WHAT?!” Carr hollered. “Man! Why ya gotta be fuckin’ us like that for?!”
“Because, Carr, even though Battalion thinks you’re all just a bunch of retards, I know something they don’t.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“That you three goons are the baddest mother fuckers in Iraq right now! And I wouldn’t trust those other turds from Second Platoon to lead us out of a paper sack.”
“True that!” Carr said with a wide grin. “They see us comin’ and they just nope the fuck out!”
“Kings of South Side!” Baydune hooted again, raising his hand for a fist bump.
Grinning from ear to ear, Ray turned and looked out the window, watching as the crowded streets quickly dispersed.
‘Kings,’ he thought to himself. ‘Kings of this shit hole, maybe.’
“Hey, Sergeant Ray,” Private Andrews interrupted.
“What’s up?”
“Uhh… What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“Up there. On the side of the road.”
“What are you – FUCK! STOP THE TRUCK! STOP THE TRU–”
In less than a second, their Humvee was turned into a smoldering heap of metal; their hopes and dreams going up in a literal cloud of smoke.
The Kings of South Side…
Long may they reign.
