The Kings of South Side
“All of us were willing to die, but make no mistake, not all of us were ready to…”
“I’m telling ya man, as soon as I get home, I’m spreadin’ her legs and eating that snatch til my fuckin’ nose bleeds!”
It was a conversation they’d all heard a thousand times before; Specialist Carr going on and on about all the one nights stands he’d had and all the women he was planning on banging as soon as they got back state-side. Of course, most of it was complete bullshit, but at least it helped pass the time during the longer convoys. Besides, what the hell else were they going to talk about? The scenery? It’s not like Iraq was a tourist destination.
Luckily for them, Sergeant Ray was always quick to knock Carr down a couple notches before he got too big headed.
“I don’t give a damn what you do, son. Just make sure you don’t catch the clap… again.”
“Itch Dick!” Baydune shouted from the back seat, reaching over and thumping Carr on crotch.
“Man, Sarge! How ya gonna spit on my game like that?!”
“Game? What game?”
“Man, that pussy slayin’ game, big Sarge! Line em’ up and smack em’ down! Tap-tap-tap!”
“Paying a hooker three-hundred bucks to lick your asshole isn’t what I’d call game,” Private Andrews chimed in from the driver seat, trying his best not to run over a group of kids darting across the road.
“Damn!” Baydune howled. “Even the fuckin’ boot knows you ain’t shit, Carr!”
Hunching over in the turret, Carr reached down and smacked Andrews on the back of the head.
“That’s a lot of shit comin’ from a virgin! Ya boot-ass-bitch!”
“I’m—I’m not a virgin!” Andrews protested, his ears turning bright red.
“Cherry bear lookin’ ass!”
“Cherry Blossom!” Baydune egged on.
“I’m not a fucking virgin!”
“Alright, that’s enough,” Sergeant Ray spoke up, bringing their bickering to an end. “And for the last time, Carr, quit fucking with Andrews while he’s driving.”
“Aye, Sarge. Just breakin’ him in right.”
“Maybe so… But unless you want him to die a virgin, he needs to pay attention to the road.”
“Damn! Sarge is killin’ it, dawg!” Baydune snickered.
“Stone cold!” Carr yelled back, scanning over the crowded streets.
“Alright, boys, calm it down. Actual’s trying to call in.”
‘Heathen One, Heathen Actual,’ the radio crackled.
“Send it, Actual,” Ray replied.
‘Do you have eyes on that three-story building about half a click to our north?’
“The one with the flag flying on top of it?”
‘Afrim. That’s the one – break…. Talk says the last patrol took small arms fire from there a few days ago, so we’re going to take alternative route Charlie and skirt around to the east. How copy?’
“That’s a good copy, Actual.”
‘Tango, Heathen One. Net clear.’
“Hey, Carr, did you catch that?” Sergeant Ray yelled up. “Higher said another patrol took fire from that three-story building a few days back, so keep your head on a swivel.”
“The one by the mosque?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“Roger that, big Sarge. These fools gonna have to try harder than that to whack a big dick brotha like me!”
“South Side, baby!” Baydune added, giving Carr a fist bump.
“So, what about you, Sergeant?” Andrews asked. “Anything you plan on getting into when we get back home?”
“Ahh, shit!” Carr hooted. “Here we go!”
Ray just smiled and shook his head.
“I’m sure the wife has a nice long list things she wants done.”
“Whipped!” Baydune chuckled under his breath; a statement Carr echoed.
“How long have you been married?” Andrews followed up.
“To damn long!” Carr yelled, though a quick tap to the nuts seemed to shut him up.
“We’ve been married for five years, now. Just had our anniversary a few weeks ago.”
“And you have kids, right?”
“I do. Two of them. Well, three if you count Carr.”
“Ahh, fuck, Sarge! I knew you was my daddy!”
“I da pappy!” Baydune laughed.
“Don’t worry, Carr,” Ray chuckled. “There’s no way in hell you could be mine.”
“Cause I’m too damn good lookin’ to be yours?”
“No… Because your dick’s to fucking small.”
That drew quite the laugh from everyone. Everyone except for Carr, that is.
“Uhh, where are we turning up here?”
“Right up there.” Ray pointed. “The second road; where that truck just pulled out.”
“Aye, Sarge.”
Reaching back, Ray tapped Carr on the leg.
“Hey, Carr! This is where they took contact last time, so keep your head down.”
“I got ya, big Sarge.”
About that time, Baydune piped up.
“Sergeant Ray, I got a question.”
“What’s up, Bay-Bay?”
“How come it never fails that we always end up getting stuck at the front of the convoy? Never in the rear or the middle. They always be puttin’ us up front like this. Why is that?”
“Cause they be fuckin’ us, that’s why!” Carr yelled. “LT hates us!”
“No, Carr,” Ray snickered. “The Lieutenant doesn’t hate us. He just hates you.”
“You right! Nigga can’t catch no love, man. Damn white man keepin’ my ass down and shit.”
Shaking his head, Ray couldn’t help but smile.
“You want to know the real reason they stick us here, Baydune?”
“Lay it on me, big Sarge.”
“They put us up front, because I always ask for us to be up front.”
“WHAT?!” Carr hollered. “Big Sarge! Why ya gotta be fuckin’ us like that?!”
“Because even though Battalion thinks you’re all just a bunch of retards, I know something they don’t.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“That you three goons are the baddest mother fuckers in Iraq! And I wouldn’t trust those other turds to lead us out of a paper sack.”
“Shit! True that!” Carr said with a wide grin. “They see us comin’ and they just nope the fuck out!”
“Kings of South Side!” Baydune hooted again, raising his hand for another fist bump.
Grinning, Ray looked out the window, watching as the crowded streets quickly dispersed.
‘Kings,’ he thought to himself. ‘Kings of this shit hole, maybe.’
“Hey, Sergeant Ray,” Private Andrews interrupted.
“What’s up, Andrews?”
“Uhh… What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“Up there. On the side of the road.”
“What are you… FUCK! STOP THE TRUCK! STOP THE TRU—”
In less than a second, their Humvee was turned into a smoldering heap of metal; their hopes and dreams going up in a literal cloud of smoke on the side of some Iraqi road.
The Kings of South Side…
Long may they reign.
