The Lies We Told

“If you’re reading this, I want you to know that I don’t regret meeting you… I just regret everything else…”

“I’m fine,” Carlie lied, her eyes glazing over as she watched the rain tap against the living room window. She’d been sitting there for hours, but even I knew she wasn’t looking at anything out in the yard.

No, she was looking at eternity; an endless sea of possibilities that was slowly vanishing before her very eyes. A deep-rooted maternal calling that had welcomed her like an old friend only to leave her brokenhearted and bare – a lifeless shell of everything she might have been.

Deep down, I knew that she was staring outside because she’d rather be swept away in the rain as opposed to spending another second sitting on that damn couch.

And how could I blame her?

So did I.

The drive back home from the doctor’s office was probably the longest thirty minutes of my entire life. Just over a week ago, we’d gotten the news; two little pink lines. And don’t get me wrong, we were scared shitless, but we were going to make it work. I couldn’t have been over twenty years old, but by God, I was going to make it work.

At least, that’s what I thought.

That day was supposed to be a normal check-up. Something that would take about an hour, then we’d go on about our afternoon, blissfully unaware of all the things life had in store for us.

Sadly, that wasn’t what happened.

Instead, what we got was a thirty-minute crash course in all the risks associated with ectopic pregnancies and a handful of pills. By the time we made it home, all Carlie wanted to do was curl up on the couch and cry. And just like the rain tapping against our living room window, her tears didn’t show any signs of stopping.

Not knowing what to say, I got up to get her a tissue, but as soon as I stepped into the kitchen, I froze.

On the table was a box of maxi-pads.

One was missing.

In my head I could hear the doctors’ words repeating over and over like some sort of fiendish lullaby.

‘There might be a little blood when it passes.’

…it…

That fucking bitch wouldn’t even call it what it really was; a life! A human being that might have changed the world! Something that Carlie and I would have poured our hearts and souls into! A joy beyond all joys!

Now, ‘it’ was just a speck of blood in the toilet. Something so small and meaningless that we didn’t even bother giving it a name. Something that got flushed away along with all our hopes and dreams.

‘It’ was our future.

And now it was gone.

Sitting back down on the couch, I handed Carlie the box of tissues.

“Thanks,” she whimpered.

I didn’t say anything. Not because I didn’t want to, but because what the hell could I have said.

‘You’re welcome?’ Welcome for what?

Blowing her nose, she tossed the tissue onto the coffee table. Before the night was over, it’d be covered in them.

Turning to me, she tried her best to put on a strong face.

“What about you?” she asked. “Are you alright?”

Taking a deep breath, I nodded my head.

“Yeah,” I lied. “Yeah, I’m fine too.”

We broke up a few months later…