No Words

 “I love you to death, but sometimes I really wish you’d just shut the fuck up and kiss me…”

There was nothing standing between them other than distance. Distance and time, that is. But unlike what Kristen had been led to believe as a child, time was anything but relative. If anything, it was absolute. And as far as she was concerned, it was the primary culprit behind her failing marriage. That and her husband’s tendency to stare at other women, but that was neither here nor there. What mattered now is where she found herself in that moment; caught in a seemingly endless whirlwind of relative uncertainty and utter indifference. And to make matters worse, he was right there with her.

Standing unnervingly still just inside their hotel door, she felt like the world was spinning around her as they stared at each other from across the room – naked as the day they were born. In the strangest way, it excited her to see him like this. To see his body in its rawest of forms. To admire him for everything he was and everything he wasn’t. But at the same time, she was terrified to consider what he might think about her. To think about how the cheap phosphorescent lights exaggerated her stretch marks and sagging tits. To think about the way the humidity from outside had turned her hair into a frizzy mess. Or the way the room smelled like cheap cologne and the air conditioner buzzed a little louder than normal.

It had been nearly three months since they’d seen each other like this. Closer to six if they didn’t count the time they both got shit faced drunk and woke up next to each other. But after a few dozen therapy sessions and a dinner date neither of them wanted to attend, here they were – doing everything they could to salvage a marriage that most people would have given up on a few years back.

Of course, Kristen knew her husband wasn’t entirely to blame for everything. Yes, he might have developed a wandering eye after the birth of their second child, and he was gone for his job more than she wanted, but she wasn’t exactly blameless either. Even she knew that. He might have been guilty of daydreaming about other women, but she was the one who slowly pushed him away. Not because she wanted to, or because she was looking to cause division. But because she had the same fears all other women have. Fears about her ugly stretch marks and saggy breasts. Fears that he might not look at her the same way he did when they first got married. Fears that she was less than desirable – less than adored.

He might have lost the gleam in his eyes, but she was the one who ultimately decided to turn off the lights.

Though, to be fair, it’s not like her husband made things any better when he started using porn to fill the voids in their marriage. Or when his innocent admiration slowly turned into not-so-innocent flirting. And although he never outright cheated on Kristen, they both knew it was only a matter of time before he fell victim to his own selfish desires. After all, he was never as strong as he wished he could be. Even he knew that, and he hated himself for it.

All in all, it was a peculiar spot Kristen found herself in – standing awkwardly across from the man she wanted more than anyone else in the world, while at the same time feeling further away than ever before. She loved him and she hated him. She wanted to feel his warm embrace and she wanted him to vanish entirely. But in the end, he never did. And neither did she.

After a few more moments of painful silence, she felt her entire body tremble as he slowly walked toward the center of the room. Fighting back the urge to cry, she quietly urged herself forward to meet him. Standing a few inches away from each other at the edge of the bed, they paused there for a long while, like statues locked in an eternal glare. Neither of them moved. Neither of them spoke. Neither of them were willing to take the first step. And just when Kristen thought she couldn’t bear another moment of it, she felt her heart skip a beat as her husband’s hands slowly caressed the sides of her hips.

For a split second, she thought about pulling away, and truth be told, he probably wouldn’t have blamed her if she did. But to her surprise, she soon found herself doing the same – tracing her fingers up and down his stomach and across his chest.

Wrapping his arms around her, he lowered his head to say something, but all that ever came out was a faint sigh. Shuddering, Kristen took a deep breath, inhaling his formless words and holding them deep inside her chest, almost as if her own body might be able give them life.

‘I love you… And I always will.’

Neither of them said it.

Neither of them had to.

They weren’t perfect people, by any means. But then again, they never had to be. All that mattered now was that despite the odds, they couldn’t give up on each other. Because honestly, sometimes that’s all it really takes to keep a marriage together.

Standing there in each other’s arms, the only thing between them anymore was time, and contrary to whatever Kristen might have believed, it was indeed relative.