I Love You

“I know I never said it enough growing up… And I’m sorry I’ll never be able to say it again…”

"I love you.”

That’s the last thing I said to my wife before leaving the house on that cold September morning. Hugging me a little longer than normal, she kissed me on the cheek before returning the sentiment.

“I love you more.”

Normally, I would have argued with her, but not that morning. No, instead I decided just to let her win. After all, she deserved it after putting up with me for the last three days.

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“No…  It’ll be easier to go alone. I already feel bad that you’re having to put up with all this. I don’t want them dragging you further into it if I can help it.”

“It’s alright, love. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.”

“I know, but still… I haven’t talked to them in seven years. There’s no telling what’ll happen.”

“Well, just know that I’ll be here for you if you need me. And I’m not afraid to bail you out of jail if I need to.”

She was trying to be funny, and to her credit, it did make me feel better. But in the end, the feeling was fleeting. Giving her one last kiss good-bye, I hopped in the car and took off. All the while, the knots in my stomach twisted into coils that not even a seasoned fisherman could have untangled.

A couple hours later, I was sitting all alone in a mostly empty parking lot.

I was early of course, but then again, it’s not like I had anything better to do. Sitting there waiting for the attorney’s office to open, I did everything I could to occupy my mind, though nothing really seemed to help. I’d been deployed four times. Repelled out of helicopters. Had bullets whiz inches away from my head. But in that moment, none of it mattered. With each passing minute, that pit in my stomach kept getting deeper and deeper.

Just then, a car pulled up. Then another. Then a couple more.

As the people inside started stepping out, I began wondering if maybe coming alone was a bad idea. After all, if something did happen, it was going to be their word against mine, and there were at least a dozen of them.

“Fuck it,” I murmured under my breath, finally stepping out of my car.

Walking across that parking lot was like walking across no-man’s-land. Each step felt more forced than the last, while the eyes of familiar faces hung on me like machine guns waiting to spray me down. It was the first time I’d seen my family in almost a decade. And as long as a fight didn’t break out, hopefully it would be the last time I’d ever have to see them.

“Hello,” the receptionist greeted with a smile. “May I help you, sir?”

“Yes, ma’am. I’m here to settle the will of Kenneth Johnson.”

“You’re name, sir?”

“Daniel Johnson.”

“Oh, yes sir! Okay, just have a seat over there and I’ll let the attorney know you’re here.”

Glancing around the lounge, there were a few open seats, but none I was willing to sit in.

“I think I’ll just stand.”

“Alright. Just give us a few minutes and we’ll call you back.”

As she disappeared into the back room, I finally took the time to look around and see who all was there. Some faces were familiar. Some weren’t. Of course, there were a few people I expected to see there: my father, my stepmother, my great aunt. But some of them I didn’t expect to see at all, namely my brother and sister. Either way, regardless of whether I recognized them or not, they all had one thing in common. They were all staring at me like they wanted me dead.

Well, everyone except for my sister that was.

Truth be told, she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Like she wanted to say something but was afraid of how everyone else might retaliate if she did. In a way, I felt bad for her. But then again, she probably felt worse for me.

Leaning against the far wall, I tucked my head and stared down at the floor. Occasionally, I could hear one of them whispering something to each other, but I tried my hardest not to listen.

Moments passed like hours.

Minutes like miniature eternities.

None of them said a word to me. And I didn’t say a word to them either.

“Alright, everyone! They’re ready for ya’ll!” the receptionist said with a forced smile. “Right this way.”

Silently, we all followed her down the hallway into an awkwardly small conference room.

Taking a seat near the far wall, I watched as each of them scurried here and there trying to avoid sitting next to me. The way they shuffled around and grumbled to each other, you’d have thought I had the plague. And truth be told, if it weren’t for how cramped the room got, I wouldn’t have surprised if they refused to sit next to altogether. But in the end, my father was the one who decided to bite the bullet and sit next to the prodigal child.

Resting his elbows on the table, he looked over to me with a half-hearted smile.

“Daniel,” he nodded.

“Mike,” I nodded back.

“You been alright, son?”

“I’m fine, but I’m not your son.”

The silence that followed was about as uncomfortable as what you’d expect. Immediately, every set of eyes landed on me all at once; their hateful glares nearly enough to set the whole damn office ablaze. And I won’t lie, the way my brother was eyeing me from across the table, even I thought that I was going to have to make good on my wife’s promise to come bail me out jail. Not to mention the fact that my sister still looked like she was about to burst apart at the seams at any minute.

But luckily for me, before anyone had the chance to blow their tops, the attorney walked into the room.

“Well, good morning!” he cheerfully announced, trying his best to cut through the festering tension. “Sorry for the wait. Had a client call me first thing this morning about wanting to buy another house. I told him he was a brave soul buying property in this market, but he swore up and down it was a good deal.”

Taking his seat, he continued rambling on about nonsense while his legal aid walked around the room handing out copies of the will to everyone. Once that was done, he quickly scanned the faces sitting around the table.

“Alright, now, uh… Which one of you is Daniel?”

“Here, sir,” I nodded.

“Ahh! Good. Uhh… I think I remember someone telling me that you just got back home from overseas again. Is that right?”

“Yes, sir. Got back about two months ago.”

“Huh. Well, at least you made it back in time for the funeral.”

“He didn’t go,” my stepmother chimed in. She always had a nasty habit of taking low blows any time she got the chance.

Realizing he’d just stumbled across a landmine, the poor attorney quickly tried to backpedal, but by that point it didn’t really matter. He knew what he was getting into, and I knew there was going to be more where that came from.

“Oh… Well, I’m sorry you weren’t able to go,” he hurriedly lamented, quickly segueing to the topic at hand. “Right. Well, as you all know, Mr. Kenneth named Daniel as the primary executor over his will. But, since he’s declined the responsibility, it now falls on our office to ensure everything gets settle exactly how Mr. Kenneth wished. Now, Mr. Daniel, I just want to make sure that you are in fact willing to forgo those responsibilities. Correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you understand that by forfeiting those rights, then our office will have final say over all settlement disputes?”

“Yes, sir. I’m aware.”

“Alright. I just need your John Hancock here, please.”

Sliding me a piece of paper, he quickly pointed to the lines he needed signed. A few strokes of the pen later and it wasn’t my problem anymore.

It’s kind of crazy now that I think about it.

It took almost thirty years for someone to believe I was responsible enough to trust me with everything they owned. Meanwhile, it only took about five seconds for me to sign that responsibility away to a man I’d just met. But then again, Grandaddy knew I wanted nothing to do with my family long before he ever passed away. He should have known I wasn’t going to start associating with them now.

“Okay. Now that that’s all done, let’s get down to brass tax, shall we?”

Flipping through the stack of papers, he began calling people off one by one, guiding them to pages that pertained to them and telling them what they did or didn’t get. Of course, most of it went to my father, a few guns and some furniture to my little brother, and most of the jewelry went to my little sister. Other than that, everyone else just got small little knick-knacks while whatever money Grandaddy had saved up was divvied out between the grandchildren so they could go to college.

Yes, everyone got a little something from Grandaddy.

Everyone except for me that is.

And it’s not that I didn’t get anything. It’s just that what was left to me wasn’t exactly little.

Finally, after calling everyone’s name out, the attorney turned to me. I could tell by the look in his eyes, he was bracing himself for the fallout we were about to endure.

“Mr. Daniel.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, I’m sure you already know this, son, but uhh… Well, Mr. Kenneth left you quite a bit.”

“Yes, sir.”

“What all did he get?” my stepmother chimed in again, trying to rub a little more salt in the wound.

“It’s on page nineteen, ma’am,” the attorney replied, hoping to avoid answering her directly.

Almost on que, everyone in the room flipped to page nineteen as fast as they could. For about five seconds, you could have heard a pin fall. And then all at once, all hell broke loose.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” my brother shouted. “He gets the God damn house! No… Wait! All three houses! What the fuck!? I didn’t even know Grandaddy still owned the house in Collierville!”

“Oh! And he gets the property out by the lake too!” my stepmother added – the shrewd, fat bitch.

“Alright! Alright!” the attorney hollered, trying to reign everyone in. “I understand that this news might upset some of you. But I think we need to remember that these were Mr. Kenneth’s last wishes, and as such-”

“I don’t want it,” I interrupted.

“Ahh… Wait…What?”

“I said I don’t want it.”

Just as quickly as the room erupted into chaos, it went dead silent again. Like before, everyone was staring at me, only this time, they looked baffled. Like they were looking at an alien from outer space. Like I was someone they’d never seen before. Someone that they couldn’t even believe existed.

Clearing his throat, the attorney craned his neck and loosened his tie.

“Mr. Daniel. I understand that this whole thing has to be a bit stressful for you. But I don’t know if you realize the full implications of what you’re forfeiting.”

“I know what I’m giving up.”

“Mr. Daniel… Son… We’re talking about nearly three million dollars’ worth of real estate and property, not to mention the revenue made off the farmland out near the lake house every year.”

“I said, I know what I’m giving up… Now please, just give me whatever piece paper it is that I need to sign, so I can fill it out and get the hell out of here.”

“Mr. Daniel    ”

“I said give me the fucking paper!”

I swear, I wasn’t trying to be an ass hole. I know he was just a man trying to do his job and doing his best to look out for me, but by that point, I was ready to leave. And that piece of paper was my way out of this whole mess. I hadn’t had anything to do with my family in years, and to this day, I still want nothing to do with them. Inheritance or not, you couldn’t have paid me enough money to put up with them for another second longer.

I didn’t care about what I might gain. I just wanted to get away from them.

A few awkward moments later and the legal aid came back into the room, handing off a cluster of freshly printed papers to her boss. Flipping through them, he took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Mr. Daniel?”

“I’m sure,” I replied, taking the papers and lining them up on the table.

“Alright then… Sign here. And here… And right here. And initial there. And one more time here.”

Again, it took nearly thirty years to build up enough trust to acquire another man’s fortune. And when it was all said and done, it took me about five whole minutes to give it all away.

Flipping to the last page, the attorney hesitated.

“Okay, son… Now you need to list who you’re giving it all to.”

Glancing around the table, I saw everyone looking at me with yearning eyes, their hateful expressions softened in a way that made me sick to my stomach. These people who hated me, the same people that wouldn’t piss on me to put out a fire; now they were all looking at me like they wanted to make amends. Like they wanted to bury the hatchet.

That is, everyone looked like that, except for my sister.

Sitting across the table, she had the same distraught expression she’d been wearing since I walked into that office.

She looked confused.

Lost.

Sad.

She looked hurt. And I knew deep down that I was the one responsible for that.

When I turned my back on my family seven years ago, I didn’t just lock out my parents, I locked out everyone. Even the ones who adored me. I didn’t want to. I never wanted to hurt them. But in the end, I didn’t have any other choice. If I wanted to save myself from becoming everything I ever hated, I had to turn away from all of them… Even my sister.

“Taylor… I give it all to Taylor.”

There was a low gasp around the table as I scribbled her name down.

“Bubba…” she whimpered.

I didn’t say anything back. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I knew I’d break down crying if I did, and right now wasn’t the time for tears.

“Here,” I sighed, shoving the papers back over to the attorney.

Flipping through them, he took a deep breath and nodded his head.

“Do you need anything else from me?” I asked, standing up out of my chair.

“Ahh… No, Mr. Daniel. I think that’s everything.”

“Good. Have a nice day.”

“You too,” he replied, standing to shake my hand, but by that point, I was already halfway out the door.

Walking back down the hall and out the foyer, I fumbled for my car keys. All I had to do was make it across that damned parking lot and I could leave that whole mess behind me. All I had to do was just get on the highway, and I’d never have a reason to come back to this shitty little town ever again.

All I had to do was make it home, and these people would be nothing more than a distant memory.

If only it were that simple.

“BUBBA! WAIT!”

Turning around, I saw Taylor burst out of the office, tears streaming down her face. For a moment, we just stared at each other, her clinching a bundle of papers that had changed her life forever and me clinging to the keys of an old Ford Taurus that needed a new set of tires.

“Why?” she whimpered.

“Does it really matter?”

“It does to me…”

“Then I don’t know what to tell you. Give it to someone else if you want.”

Turning back around, I had just made it to my car when she hollered out to me from across the parking lot.

“I LOVE YOU! I know you might not believe me, but I really do! I know everyone else is mad about how you left, and I know you hate us for everything that happened. And I don’t blame for that. But I want you to know that I still love you! I’ve always loved you!”

“Taylor… Stop…”

“Do you    do you remember when we were kids, and I used to come sleep in bed with you because I was afraid of the dark? You always told me you’d be there for me… That you’d never leave me… Do you remember that?”

“Taylor! Stop!”

“Do you remember?!”

“YES, I REMEMBER! Now please, let me go!”

Staggering backwards, she turned loose of the papers, letting them fall to the ground before being scattered away in the breeze.

“Do you    do you really not love me anymore…?”

I didn’t answer.

“Bubba… Do you love me or not?”

Shaking my head, I fumbled to get the car door open.

“ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT BACK OR NOT?!”

“No, Taylor…No, I’m not.”

“AND WHY THE FUCK NOT?! Why won’t you just say it back?! I just want to know if you fucking love me!”

“I do, Taylor… I really do… But just because you love something doesn’t mean you get to have it… Goodbye, baby sister.”

And just like that, I got in my car and drove away.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I could see Taylor in my rear-view mirror, her face full of anguish, knowing in her heart that this was the last memory we’d ever share together. Sitting here now, I know there’s no way of telling how many tears she cried over me since then. But at the same time, I guess she’ll never know how much I’ve cried over her either.

‘I love you.’

That’s the one thing she wanted from me.

The one thing she needed from her brother.

And no matter how bad it hurt, it’s the one thing I couldn’t give her.

The one thing I refused to give her.

I’m sorry…